Hi money dude. :)

Today I want to be completely honest with you.

I want to share with you all the thoughts, grievances, and crap that have gone on about you in my life.

When was it that I first really started thinking about you?

I think it was when I wanted toys and didn’t get them.

I wanted this amazing robot – an electronic one. I really, really wanted it. Even now when I think of it, I can see a picture of it in front of my eyes.

I asked my parents to buy it for me.

They refused.

I cried and cried – because I really wanted it. It wasn’t even like I was putting on a show. I actually wanted it.

I remember how much it cost: Rs 316 ($7).

After I had cried a lot I understood that Rs 316 was a lot of money which is why my parents didn’t want to give that thing to me. They eventually took me to a toy store and gifted me a robot worth Rs 116 ($2.60). And I know that, that day it sunk in my little head that you were important money dude – too important. And that you should not be thought of lightly…There was something big about you..

I remember being taken to school in a cycle rickshaw. And I remember watching other school children being driven to school in cars and school buses. I never spoke about it, but I kept thinking in my head– “I must be poor. I am lowly because they are rich and I am poor.”

And I remember wearing “not-ok” clothes. I remember a boy saying to me, “Look how you’re dressed, like a laborer.” And I thought – “I am less than the others.”

I came to know about you money dude, because of the non-fulfillment of my desires. The robot, the school bus, good clothes. These were my desires and I desperately wanted to fulfill them.

My parents loved me very much and they still do. But they were protective about me and never gave me any money fearing I would get spoilt. That hurt me because meeting almost all my desires required money. I wanted to eat in the school canteen. I wanted to ride my scooter. I wanted loads of money to 'feel' free. And since I didn’t get it, none of my desires really got fulfilled. And I started resenting my parents and blaming them for this.

That was the first phase of my life: hoards of unmet desires and a desperate craving for money which made me resent my parents.

Then I went to college and phase 2 began. Since I lived in another city altogether, my parents sent me a lot of money. And I suddenly had all the money in the world to spend.

And I spent all of it. I spent recklessly without even caring to think what I was spending it for. It was a rebound: now that I had money I wanted to spend every penny of it and feel the thrill of throwing money away. I didn’t even care for my desires anymore. I spent without rhyme or reason on anything I fancied. I would give huge loans to my classmates and be broke the next day and not care. In fact I was always either of the two: broke or flooded with money.

It was as if I was taking my revenge on you, money dude. “You didn’t come when I needed you. And now I don’t care. Come and go as you wish.”, I was subconsciously saying to money.

And then college ended and phase 3 began.

After college, I didn’t make much money. I wanted time to work on my website and well-paying jobs took up a lot of time. So I took up a job that paid less but also made me work less. And since I was paid less I would always be thinking –“Do I have enough for the month? Will I be able to pay my rent and yet have enough to eat out every day?” I started being afraid of my money getting over. I used to feel happy when I skipped a meal because that would mean saving money. And I felt sad spending as much as Rs 100 for a phone recharge. That was phase 3.

Today as I write all this out to you, money dude, I am trying to forgive all three of my phases. When I was young I resented my desires not being fulfilled. It is OK. It is now over. I will try to release that resentment right now. In college I had a rebound. I release that feeling of recklessness right now. And recently, I feared I wouldn’t have enough money left. I’ll try to release that too and trust that the universe and you money dude will give me enough – as much as I want.

I know just saying ‘I release all this’ won’t help. But as much as I can, I release it all right now. And slowly in the course of time, I will release what is still left.

Let us patch up. I want to make friends with you money dude.

Hi… :)

See you very soon indeed. :)

Love,

me